Hey my loves!
I’m back once again on this Tuesday morning and the topic for today is commitment. The definition for commitment is a promise to do or give something and be loyal while doing it. I just turned 29 this month and I did some serious reflecting on my life. I look back on all the years I wasted loving the wrong men who I probably shouldn’t have spent a minute on.
Which takes us to my first “situationship”…
The first situationship lasted for 2 1/2 years…yes…2 1/2 long years of time wasted. I never was the girl who was okay with just being friends with benefits. I stressed to him about commitment and the desire for marriage. He knew what I wanted from the beginning, and even though we did everything a couple did, I never got the title I wanted and deserved. What had my mind gone for so long was he treated me like I did have the title. We were mongamous and not seeing other people. We were faithful to each other, but not committed. If we loved each other, what was the problem? The problem was the guy got divorced about a year before he met me. His marriage ended because of his ex-wife’s infidelity. This took a toll on him and he bought his past thoughts into a situation, while dealing with me. He wasn’t fully healed mentally and emotionally, but still trying to hold on to me even though he couldn’t give me the commitment I wanted. He had this mentality of “another woman will never catch him slipping”. When I learned this about him, I already loved him making it harder to let go. Because I loved him and made the mistake of falling for him, I bitched less about the commitment issue. In his mind, I was okay with our arrangement because I was still there and accepting it. A gun wasn’t to my head. I stayed through my own free will, but I was exhausted mentally and emotionally. Everytime I would say I’m done, I would be serious and do good for a couple of months. He would beg, but I would stand firm and keep him blocked. Somehow he would always find a way to slither back in my life and I learned the hard way that things were never going to change. So I had no choice. I had to change.
“Crying yourself to sleep at night and feeling worthless over somebody is the kind of heartache I would never wish on anyone. It is a feeling I never want to feel again for the rest of my life.”
You would think I had enough with the first one. Tuh.
The second situationship started about a year after I left the first guy once and for all. I thought this time would be different because this guy seemed to want the same things I did. He never was married and didn’t have any past relationship baggage. The problem with him was he loved his work more than he loved me! When we first got together, he was in the process of starting his own business. An overachiever like myself, I understood that sacrifices would have to be made and I applauded him for having the courage to want something of his own. Unfortunately, our relationship never blossomed because he couldn’t find a balance between his work and his personal life. It caused a strain on us causing me to drift away from him. The thing I loved most about him was that he was honest about not knowing how to balance his life and aware of his shortcomings when it came to me -after the fact.
The funny thing is: both guys pursued me and still wasn’t mentally ready for a woman like me. One of them even told me that they don’t think they could be the man I wanted him to be because he knows I’m gonna be big one day…meaning my standards should be met and the man I deserve- he can’t fill his shoes.
In both ordeals, I became hardened and had the audacity to be mad with God. I prayed with tears falling down my face and asked God, “why does this keep happening to me! When will enough be enough? What am I doing wrong? What are you trying to teach me?!”
And he answered, “you’re going through this because you’re picking for yourself and not letting me pick for you. These men broke you for a reason. Because of your brokenness, you are seeking me now.”
Let’s not forget everybody reaps what they sow. I have hurt men in the past who wanted to be with me, but I wasn’t ready for what they were offering. Karma came back around when I did want it. But I also have to remember during the times when I feel broken, God is strengthening me for something better.
When this finally hit me, I was in awe.
Sometimes God allows things to break in order for you to break through.
Do I think both men loved me? Yes. Did they love me enough to change? No.
The beautiful thing is I DO love myself enough to change. To stop settling for anything. To stop wasting tears on a man God didn’t want me to be with in the first place. To be cautious about who I hurt. To finally discover that waiting on God to send the right one for me is hard, but it’s a better decision than the ones I have made in the past.
The problem was I didn’t know how to start my change. My best friend, Tedra told me to fast and surrender to God about why I’m unknowingly repeating the same cycle with men.
Time is valuable and it takes two to tango. Don’t be the woman I was. Society and this generation glamorizes the wrong things. We grow up thinking “friends with benefits” and sideline chicks are cool because it’s happening around us everyday. Don’t fall into the hype. If you’re in a similar situation like I was, find the strength to leave now. You owe it to yourself to be with the person who can give you everything you deserve-plus more.
I may have been blind for years, but my hurt somehow nurtured me into the woman I am. Through the grace of God, I made it. I still struggle with some things, but I made it. I moved on because the things I was holding on to made me love myself less. And that’s a no-no in my life. I come first. God comes first. Anything that doesn’t fit in that equation will not function properly in my life. It took me years to learn this. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Keep God first. Obedience is always better than sacrifice.
Until next time,