“The moon does not fight. She attacks no one. She does not worry. She does not try to crush others. She keeps to her course, but by her very nature, she gently influences. What other body could pull an entire ocean from shore to shore? The moon is faithful to her nature and her power is never diminished.” – IG prophet & musician, @kungfubruce

The Glo-Up: Bigger and Brighter

By

Kaci Sexton

My glo-up journey started at rock bottom – a place of such despair that I actually wanted to die. Four months ago, I was carrying around 20+ extra pounds, had zero self-worth, and no hope. Today with so much more room to grow, I am finally living my best life.

The passing of the super blue moon in Leo last month gave me the energy to reflect back on my ongoing glo-up journey. As Leo is the queen of beasts, I paid extra attention to the meaning of the lunar event as it relates to my life. The Leo super moon invigorated me. I took this energy to both reflect and fuel change: a time of emotional healing and creative expression. My glo-up journey has been just that.

My glo-up began in November of 2017 after yet another blowout break-up in a long series of toxic relationships. I was a broken person – from actual bones to the core of my being. Why did I keep ending up here? Why did I allow this regal lioness to be treated this way? Why did I need someone around to validate me? Did I need to feel loved? Did I need to fill a void? Why didn’t I like to be alone? Why didn’t I like myself? Once I started to explore those questions, specifically the last two, my glo-up began to unfold.  

Like it or not, you are your own best friend. You spend 100% of your time with yourself. You know yourself more than anyone else on the planet – for better or worse! Knowing me at that time was very much for the worse. Cascading, unrelenting thoughts of self-hatred consumed every minute of my day. These thoughts weren’t facts and I had to find a way to separate myself from them.

I began to personify the negative thoughts and feelings in my own brain into a third person: a roommate of my mind. I call mine “the brat” also known as my internal Debbie downer. I’m spending all of my time living with a roommate and my best friend and I can’t stand her. She’s short-tempered and drinks more than she should. She’s constantly negative, complaining, talking down to me, and pointing out my shortcomings at every given opportunity.  She has terrible taste in men, eats junk, and barely gets out of bed. She never shuts up. Basically, she’s a fucking drag. If this person was a real life person, I would have blocked her number years ago. However, I can’t block her and I can’t unfriend her. She lives here.

I had finally identified why I didn’t like being alone. I didn’t like spending time with my brat. I was finally able to see that I deserve a much better best friend. I deserve to live in a spiritual home I don’t dread going back to. Since I can’t evict her, I decided to be a better friend and I am helping this little brat glo-up.

I treated this glo-up, especially my mental health, like a fulltime job. This process was hard WORK and very unpleasant work at that. Brat’s short temper came from deep-seeded depression and anxiety. This anxiety led to fear and that fear became anger. Anger quickly turned exhausted into depression and this became an endless cycle.  I fought it head-on with weekly therapy, notebooks upon notebooks of journaling, spiritual lectures, self-help books, and in my case life-saving doctor prescribed anti-depressants. I felt like I was back in college by how hard I was hitting these books and journals. I was fighting for my life.

It was like starting from square one. My little brat knew nothing about coping skills: at least the healthy ones. She is well-versed in the unhealthy coping mechanisms with one of those being booze. Are you stressed?: Have a drink! Are you depressed?: Have a drink! Are you happy?: Have a drink! It’s the Southern Louisiana way after all! To ensure a proper glo-up, I decided to take a month-long hiatus from alcohol. From that point forward, my mental picture became clearer. I felt energized in the mornings. Pounds started falling off and I swear I began to glow.

Hiatuses were a big part of the process – to quit something altogether, in my case, just seemed utterly daunting. An all or nothing state of mind leads to inevitable disappointment if there’s a back step. I started to wonder if a hiatus could last forever? I decided that forever was too big for me so I told myself, “I’m not saying never. I’m saying not today. “

The last and most difficult hiatus was from toxic relationships; I truly hope that one sticks. After letting go of toxic people and behavior (with several glo-up hiccups), I did the best thing yet. For the first time in my life, I became selfish. I took a personal inventory of the things that brought me joy. What made me smile? What made me happy? For me, my best self is a dancer, a novice-skater, and a student of life.

I went back to dance class where creative expression and emotional healing live for me. I applied for a volunteer position at the studio to be closer to my source of happiness and meet people who inspire me. Skate time no longer became an occasional indulgence for me. I made time in my schedule for several skate sessions a week. My joy is not a luxury: It is essential. I began exploring yoga, meditation, learning how to hula-hoop, and getting my feet wet in writing.

I’ve caught a little judgment and more than my share of strange looks. An ex of mine laughed, “Oh, so you’re going to be one of those festival hula hooping chicks now?” Bitch, so what if I am!? Hula hooping actually burns seven calories a minute and I’m 20 pounds down, so festive hula hooping chick or not, I’m owning it. Who cares if I’m the strange girl skating by myself in the park grooving out to some Stevie Wonder or some 1999 Cash Money records? What do I care that some people aren’t happy with me rocking the shit out of these crop tops or my jumpsuit? These things make me happy! Like Kendrick said, “Tell my mama I love her but this what I like.”

It’s my glo-up. This is my life and I only get one, so I’ve got to do me!

Don’t get me wrong. I am far from having all of this figured out! The brat is still there, and we still fight as only best friends can. While she makes me want to pull my hair out, I am now able to approach her with compassion. She’s been through a lot and I need to be gentle with her. Thirty is right around the corner and I still have so much more to learn. I can guarantee as long as your heart is still beating in your chest, it isn’t too late to live your best life. It’s never too late to glo-up. With each coming moon, I hope that I am present in this world gaining more confidence and giving more love. I pray I continue to burn bigger and brighter. Finally, now that I know that I deserve to. *